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Ask The Jackalope – Doomsday Edition

It’s December 20th, 2012. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know what that means. Tomorrow is the day it all comes to an end. I’ve been deluged with emails from people wondering what to do. Since they all amount to about the same thing (I don’t want to die, blah blah blah, Oh please save me, blah blah blah), I thought it would be a good idea to just answer them all at once instead of printing each letter and answering them individually.

A lot of people don’t believe the world is going to end tomorrow, and to some degree they’re right. On December 22nd, and for millennia thereafter, the Earth will still be here, rotating undisturbed on its axis as it always has. But that doesn’t mean you can un-pucker your sphincter just yet. The short answer to your most pressing question is yes, you’re probably going to die very soon.

Mayan Calendar

Armageddon Itinerary

If the naysayers had taken the time to learn a nearly extinct language, scour the Earth for clues, commune with the Aztec and Mayan spirits that are still hanging around, and apply the right formulae in their calculations, they would have seen that while the world is not going to end tomorrow, life as you know it is pretty much over.

I’ve taken those simple steps and done the research. I am more than confident of my interpretation of what is to come in the next few days. If you look at the graphic on the right, you can see the signs just as plain as day. December 21st does not mark the end of the world, but only the beginning of the end of mankind. As you can see by my info-graphic, tomorrow is the beginning of the zombie apocalypse. According to the Mayans, that should go on for about 2 days, then the long extinct velociraptors will be reborn upon the Earth to annihilate the zombies. You might think that’s a good thing, right?

Unfortunately, having had 2 days to commit their mayhem, the zombies will have wiped out large portions of the human race. Also, velociraptors are well known to have tiny brains. These birdbrains snap at pretty much anything that moves. They will certainly be hard pressed to know the difference between zombies and actual human beings, so they’ll very likely take out most of the rest of you in their feeding orgy. Sorry about that.

Here’s a bit of good news, though. If you survive the zombies and the raptors, you’ll enjoy a short reprieve. It turns out the angels and demons in charge of the apocalypse are union members, Teamsters, I think, and their contract guarantees them some time off during the Christmas holidays. All apocalyptic activities are suspended from Christmas Eve until shortly after the New Year. If you’re one of the lucky few to be here for the holidays, Merry Christmas!

Now that I think about it, the zombie apocalypse has probably already started, so they’ve had quite a bit more time than was scheduled. I seem to recall some numbnuts in Nevada getting that particular ball rolling back in October. In fact, it looks like it’s still going on there. Here’s a satellite image of Pahrump, NV, captured about an hour ago:

Zombie Apocalypse

Satellite image of ongoing zombie apocalypse in NV.

Come January 4th, all bets are off. Looking at the graphic again, you may notice “V’s” around the second ring of the calendar. Those signify volcanic activity that will bathe the Earth in molten rock, killing anything that’s left there. The grand “Scrolly V” in the 12:00 position is the mother of all volcanoes. It appears to have vomited out a Jackalope, giving rise to the new keystone species that will reign over the Earth for a thousand years.

Keep in mind that this is a strict interpretation of the Mayan Calendar. While the Mayans and every major Prophet, both ancient and modern, have predicted this outcome on this date, the Universe is a strange and powerful force.  Business has been booming over at asktheuniverse.com, and I’ve seen a lot of requests for some kind of Armageddon abatement. This is the busy season for the Universe with holiday wishes to look at and, of course, our own Secret Santa program; so any new requests are likely to arrive too late. I have, however, put many of those pleas for help to the front of the line. With more than 30 million requests for more time on Earth, I’m almost positive that at least a few of those will be granted. That said, if you haven’t had your brain eaten by a zombie or your liver removed by a velociraptor by Christmas Eve, you’re welcome! Enjoy your new, somewhat extended life! If you survive beyond January 4th, you should be good until 2060 rolls around. According to Isaac Newton, that’s the real year of Armageddon; so wind your watch and let the countdown begin…again.

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