The War On Christmas Is Over! UK To Return To “Pagan Roots” Says Queen

Will the Queen's speech mean an end to Christmas?

Will the Queen’s speech mean an end to Christmas?

On one of the last few shopping days before Christmas, shocking news is emerging from the UK, as a leaked memo detailing the Queen’s next Christmas day speech reveals a “return to our roots” message. According to a source within Buckingham palace, the Queen will announce the end of Christmas as a national holiday. The message will read:

Britain has always been a Pagan Nation, and we will be returning to those roots. Instead of celebrating Christmas, we will once again be celebrating Saturnalia (or Yule), a weeklong celebration that will begin on December 17 and end on the 25th, in keeping with those ancient traditions we have almost forgotten.

Some pundits are already speculating that this might simply be a way of avoiding handing the Kingdom over to Prince Charles. Rumors of her abdication have been circulating for some time now, and the consensus amongst palace watchers is that this is a cunning move on her part. One expert, who prefers to remain nameless, said:

The Queen has always been far more devious than she is given credit for. Usually she hides behind a forest of front men, but this level of cunning is difficult to hide. With the palace in confusion, it may take years to unravel the implications of this move. Certainly the succession is no longer clear cut and there are many questions raised here. Will she also step down as head of the church? Will the Church of England be replaced with a Pagan organisation? Perhaps the Druids? Who knows? The ramifications are enormous.

Prince Charles refused to comment

Prince Charles refused to comment


Wiccans, Pagans and Druids around the country have already started celebrating the news and the annual Winter Solstice celebration at Stonehenge should be extra special this year. Rollo Maughfling. Archdruid of Stonehenge & Britain, said:

We as Druids welcome this news and look forward to entering into negotiations with the Church of England in order that the  Council of British Druid Orders might take the reins of the spiritual direction of the country as soon as possible. The overriding principle which  unites the various druid orders that make up the Council of  British Druid Orders, is the belief and determination that we  are all part of the process of the rekindling, in the  21stCentury, of an ancient national nature religion.

You can join their order here – Council of  British Druid Orders

Druids at Stonehenge

Druids at Stonehenge

It remains unclear as to whether or not the Wiccans, Druids or Pagans will head up the New Order, but thankfully none of these organisations are as violent or aggressive as their predecessor, so we can hope for a peaceful transition. No doubt the thousands of empty and now defunct churches around the country will be sold off to fund worthy causes. Let us hope our American cousins soon follow suit.


For those of you unaware, Saturnalia is an ancient Roman festival in honor of the deity Saturn, held on the 17th of December of the Julian calendar and later expanded with festivities through to the 23rd of December. The holiday was celebrated with a sacrifice at the Temple of Saturn, in the Roman Forum, and a public banquet, followed by private gift-giving, continual partying, and a carnival atmosphere that overturned Roman social norms: gambling was permitted, and masters provided table service for their slaves. The poet Catullus called it “the best of days.”

In Roman mythology, Saturn was an agricultural deity who was said to have reigned over the world in the Golden Age, when humans enjoyed the spontaneous bounty of the earth without labor in a state of social egalitarianism. The revelries of Saturnalia were supposed to reflect the conditions of the lost mythical age, not all of them desirable. wiki

Some key elements of Saturnalia or Yule (don’t be shocked – these were stolen by Christians and incorporated into Christmas):

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And if you need more information about assimilating into your ancient cultural roots, here are some useful links:

Let the partying begin!